A murder on The Downs:
A play in three acts by Harold Pinter-Cider
Act 1, Scene 1
(Wankers Wine Bar, Clifton. Sebastian, Charles, Toby, Harry, Algie and George arrive at the bar in a blaze of pastel pink shirts, cricket jumpers draped around shoulders, flannels and Dior sunglasses. A bar maid approaches. Sebastian waves her over and stubs his cheroot out on her forehead. The bar maid clutches her head in agony, screams and runs off. The bar manager approaches. Sebastian hands him daddy’s credit card and the manager meekly sets about preparing a round of Pimms “with extra fruit”…)
Sebastian: I say chaps. Pukka news what?
Charles: What’s that Sebastian old bean?
Sebastian: There’s going to be a polo match on The Downs this summer.
George: Top Hole!
Charles: Who’s organised that then Seb old chap?
Sebastian: The gals at the Clifton Pony Club with a tincy-wincy bit of help from that dreadful little arriviste Tory. You know that awful Mayor chappie?
Toby: Oh Yah. The silly little man from Westbury-on-Trym?
(sniggers all round)
Harry: Oh gosh yes. The one who owns the garage and thinks he’s part of the aristocracy?
All: (braying laughter)
Algie: Awful man. I heard he buys his own furniture!
(Even more braying laughter)
Sebastian: He Definitely does yah. He’s dirty old goat as well. Clarrissa and some of the pony club gals went down to see him in low cut tops and jodhpurs and he couldn’t do enough for them. Then daddy had a little word in his shell-like and now his committee’s unaminously agreed to let us get the chukkas and the ponies out on The Downs.
Charles: Ripsnorting news what? Well done Seb. Top show. When is it?
Sebastian: July the 22nd. Chukkas off at 3.00pm…
Toby: What-ho! Must tell mummy. What entertainment’s lined up?
Sebastian: There’s the Pimms tent…
All: (loudly) Rah, rah, rah
Sebastian: … And the VIP Marquee …
All: (even louder) Rah, rah, rah
Sebastian: … Which should be £65 a ticket. But pater’s snaffled the lot already so it’s a freebie!
All: (crescendo of braying)
Sebastian: … And as special treaties daddy’s hired Jodie Kidd for the evening for me to shag.
Charles: Top drawer Seb. Can I have a go with Jodie too?
Sebastian: Might as well all have a go what? Might as well get daddy’s monies worth out of her. Haw, haw.
All: (braying, neighing)
Sebastian: Yah. It will be totally, like, amazing what? And we’ve really stuck it to the oiks with this one. The scum are not even allowed to drink or have picnics on The Downs any more and we’re going to have the biggest piss-up of the summer there. Haw, haw, haw…
All: (braying, neighing, snorting ever louder…)
(The other side of the bar. The Bemmie Oik (for it is he) puts down his copy of The Bristolian, eyes the pastel pink tide of toffs before him, then stubs out his Lambert in the ash tray. The bar maid (with a bandage now wrapped around her head) puts a pint of Old Somerset Fuckbuster Dry in front of him. He smiles briefly at her and then reaches for his mobile. He punches a number in and it rings four times…)
Maureen: Good afternoon Beminster Horse Meat Supplies, this is Maureen speaking how can I help you?
The Bemmie Oik: I need to order a horse’s head
Maureen: Certainly sir. That’s no problem. When will you be requiring your horse’s head exactly please?
The Bemmie Oik: Sunday July the 22nd…
(lights fade, curtain comes down, end of Act 1)
COMING SOON: By Harold Pinter-Cider
Charlie and the Humous Factory
Life is hard for bright, kindhearted, young Charlie Bolton living in a Southville shack at the edge of the big city. His mum’s lost her minimum wage job with the homecare service after it was privatised. His bedridden grandparents’ health is declining by the day as their agency care workers either fail to appear or make a botch of their treatment. Many evenings Charlie even has to go without his olive ciabatta, sundried tomatoes and humous dip as the family are so poor.
Then Charlie’s luck changes. He wins a ticket in a tub of organic humous to visit the incredible Tory Wanka’s factory in the middle of town where he learns at first hand about the possibilities of compromising with one another using boring rhetoric like at an exclusive British men’s club.
Charlie and the Humous Factory is great entertainment for all the family with a hilarious cast of characters: Violet Elizabeth Janke who’ll “scweam and scweam ’til council officers make my town green!”, John Kiely Gloop, the useless, dribbling idiot and those incredible little people – The MacNamara-Laras – they run around making things up as they go along!
“Charlie is a total farce”
Bristol Evening Post
“This could mean 3 months repeat advertising for us… It’s brilliant!”