The Bristol Blogger's basic rules of the internet

No. 1: That incisive, cutting and witty monologue you so lovingly produced half-pissed on Friday night may not have quite the qualities you thought by Monday morning…

Learn to be a journalist

A clearly tired and emotional gentleman of the local press took to the blogosphere on Friday night to tell The Blogger a thing or two about the unimpeachable integrity of local journalists such as himself and the general all-round excellence and brilliance of the local press of which he is an integral part.

In the course of a wide ranging and, some might say, slightly embittered rant the pissed hack using the nom de plume ‘Mainstream’ told The Blogger:

You probably think you’re big and brave for taking the piss out of the BNP, while there are people working in the local “mainstream” press, and other papers up and down the country, who put their names on the BNP stories they research and write, risking violence, intimidation and ending up on the Redwatch hate-list because of it. That takes more balls that you’ll ever have.

Ooh, er missus! Get her…

So what did The Blogger find when he opened his copy of The Cancer yesterday morning? Only a garbled story on page 12 concerning the BNP. It was about who might have racially abused who when the BNP were sent packing out of Fishponds by locals recently. One of The Blogger’s stories that The Cancer didn’t even bother covering at the time.

And which brave hack “risk[ed] violence, intimidation and ending up on the Redwatch hate-list” to bring us this BNP story then? ‘John Houseman’ according to the byline.

Well done John. The drinks are on The Blogger when we meet… Or they would be if you actually existed! Because unfortunately ‘John Houseman’ is a regular and well-known pseudonym used by The Cancer when they want to hide the identity of the real writer of a story. Wow! What balls.

But let’s not forget it isn’t just the superior courage and bravery of the boys in The Cancer newsroom that makes them better than the rest of us. ‘Mainstream’ also explains:

Please don’t flatter yourself that anyone would steal the stories of some nihilist nobody on the web. They come from proper sources; newswires, reading press releases between the lines, but mainly from contacting people and doing research. It’s called journalism.

Well that’s told me then as I turn to the very next story – on page 13 – in yesterday’s Cancer – ‘Bristol’s on the right wavelength’:

The group behind Bristol’s bid to become the country’s leading digital city is pushing on with its pledges despite failing to win a competition last month … There were 10 regions in the running for the top prize … Manchester was named the overall winner

Interesting stuff. No doubt people have been contacted, the research done and so “It’s called journalism” down at The Cancer. Only one problem here. It’s wrong. Manchester was not “the overall winner”. Sunderland was. Have a look for yourself.

Ho, ho, ho. It looks like it’s back to the drawing board for the The Evening Cancer and its oh-so superior, moralising hacks. Their brilliantly staged attack on The Blogger has totally backfired, producing some high falutin’ pompous lecture with no basis in reality and enough running gags to keep us going for the next year.

Feel free to have another crack next Friday night after a few drinks ‘Mainstream’ mate.

This entry was posted in Blogging, BNP, Bristol, Bristol Evening Post, Journalism. Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to The Bristol Blogger's basic rules of the internet

  1. S F says:

    The Evening Pest really is a low-life newspaper, I’ll give you that. All newspapers have an agenda that the run to, but the laughable thing is that the Pest constantly harps on about how it is “impartial” and “responsible”. What an utter joke….

    The problem is that with only one newspaper in the city the Pest really does have a duty to be impartial, because there is no other press to carry the “other side’s” story. And yet the Pest is more biased than many other papers in cities with more than one local rag.

    The fake photo scandal is an obvious case. Over on they are pointing out that the fact that political editor Ian Onions (NuLab supporter) is stomping on the story has nothing at all to do with him getting on well with Paul Smith, who is the Labour PPC for Lawrence Hill area! You would think that such a massive story would be gold-dust to the press…but they have their own agenda.

  2. Mainstream says:

    Awwww! Did I upset you? Soz!

    Confucius say: Never wrestle with a pig; you will get dirty and the pig will enjoy it.

    But let’s rise to the bait, even though you’re only doing this because you didn’t find any real stories to pinch off other people’s websites today.

    Now I know you’re not keen on the truth but FWIW John’s there for when none of the other reporters can claim the credit for a story. Perhaps you would like to pop in for some work experience in proper journalism?

    (Mm. Yes. Sunderland. Mm. Ouch. Well. No-one’s perfect. Nothing to do with me.)

    I was intrigued that such a bilious creature as you should live locally, so I made a few enquiries. I’m 95% sure I know who you are. Good job for you that the head of Corporate Communications doesn’t take calls from the media anymore!!

    And I was right about you having a dead-end day-job, wasn’t I?

    As for describing yourself as a “journalist” in that Wikipedia entry … Ah, bless! Let’s all go to the dressing-up box! You be a journalist and I’ll be a princess!

    But back in reality – Tra-la-la! I’m a journalist and you’re not!

    My life is interesting and dramatic. I get to meet all sorts of different people and go to different places and some (admittedly dim) people think I’m important and glamorous!

    And you’re not!

    On the other hand you probably get paid more than me. You’ll have a lovely fat index-linked public sector pension to look forward to at the end of your futile working life!

    Now be a good boy and go back and play in the cesspit with your BNP mates – the only other people who seem to be reading this.

    All the fascist males I’ve ever met are balls of pent-up rage about to explode. You’re just the same; a load of anger and resentment at a lack of power which you think should be rightfully yours without doing any work or taking any responsibility.

    This bond of mutual dependency developing between you and the fascists is very interesting. Almost homo-erotic. They sense a potential recruit in you, you know. Perhaps they know you better than you do yourself.


  3. thebristolblogger says:

    Confucious also say man who describes his life as interesting and dramatic is sad old queen who take too much coke.

  4. Homo-quixotic says:

    Who says Soz anymore? That is SO non-RAD man!

    As for the EP getting it’s stories from ‘hard work’ and ‘journalism’ – ‘Soz’, but I think even a water-bag-on-the-street with no connection to journalism like me knows that thats utter bollocks (or ‘totally bogus dude’ to use the cutting-edge street lingo of the EP).

    Whatever Minger MacDonalds Worker!

    Hats off to the Bristol Blogger, good work son!

  5. BristleKRS says:


    I was intrigued that such a bilious creature as you should live locally, so I made a few enquiries. I’m 95% sure I know who you are.

    “Enquiries”? Only “95% sure”?

    I’ve never met TBB, but TBB’s identity is hardly a big secret! Well, perhaps PR-recycling, self-aggrandising, halfwit hacks might so define it, but then who really takes idiots like that too seriously?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *