As promised – after hours of blood, sweat and tears… Here’s The Blogger’s plan for world domination:
The blue sky out of the box usp vision thing bit…
1. Put it on the internet.
2. Put it on the internet.
3. Put it on the fucking internet.
4. Sack everyone over 40 (I’ve watched that Ugly Betty and no one working on Mode’s over 40).
5. Employ, preferably gay, studenty/emo/wigga/new rave/weirdo/twat types who look fucking ridiculous, conduct outre sex lives, smoke prodigious amounts of weed, are into bands you’ve never heard of and like musical genres that sound like wrestling grips. (Come to think of it you might have to keep some of these over 40s on as subs to sort out the utter drivel they’d produce)
5. Scrap the gay section. Just make the whole thing really fucking gay.
6. Scrap all that theatre luvvie shit no one gives a toss about. All Bristol’s theatres have been bankrupted by useless Arts Council twats now anyway. Do football instead as most people think Ibsen is the 17 year old left back at Helsingborgs that Arsene Wenger’s been closely monitoring for the last 6 months.
7. Scrap the TV listings as we and all our readers are out doing something really fucking interesting thank you very much.
8.Include loads of inane and glossy techno babble. The future is watching people ignite their own farts on the internet. You cannot escape this.
9. Plenty of sex – it sells apparently.
10. Plenty of drugs – they sell too.
11. No rock ‘n’ roll. Focus on inventing daft new scenes called stupid new names in the hope one of them sooner or later catches on.
12. Focus on bitchy gossip, scandal, rumour and loads of that celeb-type crap. If there aren’t any celebs around – invent them!
13. Just make it sound like you’re having a really good time.
Amazing high concept design idea
1. Jamie Reid meets Peter Saville down a blind alley.
2. Er, that’s it!
Possible feature ideas (I’ll risk giving them these as if they appear in the mag we know where they’ve come from…)
‘Eating outside in Bristol’
‘Eating inside in Bristol’
‘Eating inside with the doors open in Bristol’
‘Eating doors in Bristol’
‘Around Clifton with an AK47’ – send the work experience trainee to Clifton with a replica AK47 to find out what happens
‘Fuck Bath!’ – detailed editorial explaining why we’re not bothering with Bath any more.
‘Community Matters’ – showcasing the talents of new columnist RL Smith of Calcutt Road, Knowle, prolific letter writer to The Evening Cancer who deserves a wider audience.
‘Does city council chief exec Nick Gurney fuck pigs?’ – investigative journalism will be the mag’s journalistic bedrock.
Emily Parr double page spread – if it’s good enough for Nuts…
Emily’s bum – feature of the website
‘Caplin Explodes’ – employ a journalist whose sole purpose is to wind up that ridiculous Alastair Campbell wannabe running the city council press office. Read how we made him to lose his temper this week.
‘Men over 40 who seem to run everything in this town. Should they be shot?’
‘Motoring with Ian Bone’ – notorious anarchist test drives cars without a license.
Advertise the job of Editor once a year and print samples from the lunatics that apply.
‘Let’s not move to…’ – try to make people who live in this overpriced, congested hell hole run by morons feel better by taking the piss out of other places in the country (strongly focussed on London and the south east with odd foray up north and into Wales)
Generally take the piss out of London
Finance
1. The office is ideally situated near the Gloucester Road and would make a great and popular Tesco Express. Issue laptops to all the staff instead so they can write on their beds like Carrie from Sex and the City. Then get all Nathan Barley and work out of The Hub because it’s nearer my house
2. Spend the money saved on fabulously misguided editorial ideas, grand design follies, ludicrous fashion shoots and insane promotional ventures.
3. I’ll let you in to a finance secret that could potentially save you tens of thousands in consultancy fees… You monitor finances on spreadsheets.
Employment
No need to change the culture at all here. I’ll be recruiting entirely from the large pool of talent among my friends and family.
CV
Name: The Bristol Blogger
Lives: Bristol
Work: Best avoided
Contact: bristol_citizens AT yahoo.co.uk
Likes: Hogarth, Gilray, Orwell, Bone, Camus, Schiele, Coleridge, Morris (Chris), Flaubert, Ballard, Jones (Chuck), Kirchner, Lloyd-Wright, The New Yorker, The Elevators, Breton, Barney Bubbles, Oz, LSD, Lynch, The Daily Mail, disco, Warhol, Heat, Beggars Banquet, Baudrillard, Thompson (EP), Popbitch, Bruce (Lenny), Deneuve, Burchill, James (Etta), Hitchens (Christopher), Malcolm X, Viz, Goya, Carville (James), Stax
Hates: Tories, bureaucrats, The Guardian (die Madeleine Bunting die!), toffs, royalty, pin stripe, Thatcher, gastro pubs, McEwan, Temple Quay, Socialist Worker, The New Statesman, world music, U2, private education, Campbell (Alastair), New Labour, Anthony Giddens, Shirley Williams, cocaine, Eton, Oxbridge, Coldplay, restaurant reviews, Clifton, gardening, ‘family friendly’, conspiracy theories, cops, Lenin, snobs, thinktanks, town planners
Reading: Reading Lolita in Tehran, Azar Nafisi
Listening: The Small Faces
Eating: Hobnobs
That’s it. Just leave the time and date of the interview in the comments section…
