CONsultants latest

CONsultants

Is it really less than a month since the city’s education department was accused of a “catalogue of failure” along with the city’s health authority and social services in a report from the Bristol Safeguarding Children Board?

The report was produced after a vulnerable ten year old, known to all these authorities, died when she fell into a scalding bath at her home. The city’s health authoritiy and the council’s children’s and young people’s care and education services were both comprehensively slammed for their failure to work together effectively to help this child.

Their assessments were totally inadequate, the report claimed, while the agencies had often been unable to communicate with each other effectively and there had been a lack of attention paid to the views of the child too.

So how has our glorious education department under the great helmswoman Heather Tomlinson responded?

By spending £102,000 on two more consultants’ reports of course.

First up, we have a brand new communications strategy, which – according to the council ‘s own figures – has cost us £9,400 so far since February, is still not finished and is unlikely to be for another three months!

This is despite the fact that the department already has a communications strategy and at least one communications officer to implement it. But hell, you can’t have too many communications strategies in a local government department can you?

More cash still – £92,229 of it to be precise – has also been handed to consultants Crapita, Britain’ Worst Firm, to produce a review on something called ‘management information’.

What this is all about is suspiciously opaque although it doesn’t have a lot to do with plain English that’s for sure. Here’s a sample:

2.1.2 The challenge facing CYPS over the next three years is how to select, plan and manage the development of their Information and Communication Technology (ICT) and Information Management (IM) capability required to support the multi-agency and Children’s Trust agenda when requirements are not defined to a granular level and the end point itself is not clear and will continue to evolve.

Confused? Then here’s a bit more:

2.3.1 The four workstreams are connected through an integration strategy. Despite a number of changes anticipated, a CYPS information sharing model can be articulated together with the common functional requirements. The purpose of the strategy is to create an environment where relevant data can physically move between systems aiding practitioners in separate teams and roles to deliver common outcomes.

What does it all mean?

A lot more cash to Crapita I’m afraid. This isn’t a report making recommendations that can be implemented in any useful way for the benefit of local people to improve their schools and perhaps stop our young people dying I’m afraid.

What’s actually happened is that £92,000 of our money’s been spent buying a sales pitch that attempts to blind us with science in order to flog a very, very expensive, tailored piece of IT software to the gullible management of the education department.

Yep. It’s techno-fix time folks. Another proposal for yet another very expensive government IT project to solve all your problems.

What a joke. Anyone with any knowledge of goverment IT projects will know they’re invariably late, over budget and likely not to work. The equivalent of a green light at Bristol City Council in other words.

So expect an announcement from Tomlinson and the rest of the one million pound a year education management crew some time soon regarding a state-of-the art, multi-million pound IT scheme that will do nothing less than transform Bristol’s children’s service.

Will it fuck. It won’t even work. They never do.

The only question that really remains is whether education executive, bearded pillock Pickup and the rest of the clueless Labour Party high spenders in cabinet – who are supposed to exert control over the big-spending, low achiever executive officer naifs running the council – will be prepared to tell Tomlinson where to get off with this.

That’s highly unlikely. Instead just expect kids to keep dying and standards to keep crashing while upmarket consultants’ fill their boots.

Posted in Bristol, Education, Labour Party, Local government | Tagged , , | There are 5 comments

Strange and unusual punishment watch

The acceptable face of firefighting
The acceptable face of modern firefighting

You’ve got to have at least some sympathy for these former members of the Blue Watch at Avonmouth fire station who have been disciplined, demoted and had their wages docked for disturbing a gay sex session on the Downs as reported today in the Evening Cancer.

As part of their punishment, the poor sods also have to attend a two-day equality training event at the Holland House Hotel on Redcliffe Way.

What a nightmare. Two days being lectured at by some bearded moralising tosser with a diversity agenda. What’s the betting this “facilitator” turns out to have something to do with Bristol Labour Party or their equally clueless mates at the T&G.

Pity these poor firemen. Nobody, regardless of what they might have done, deserves two days of the likes of Peter Hammond, Derek Pickup, his ridiculous hypocrite missus Esther, or any other daft leftie on the equalities gravy train ranting politically correct codswallop straight out of the 1980s at them.

Aren’t there human rights laws to prevent this kind of thing?

Posted in Bristol, Bristol Evening Post, Labour Party, The Downs, Trade Unionism | Tagged , , | There are 4 comments

"The geese are flying south from Slimbridge early this autumn"

Ian Bone's Bash the Rich

With a Bash the Rich march through Notting Hill – perhaps heralding the greatest resurgence of english anarchism in at least a generation – scheduled to take place precisely one month from now, has the publisher of Ian Bone’s Bash the Rich planted a cryptic message of instruction to anarchist sleeper cells across the country through the letters page of The Guardian?

Here’s the correspondence in full from yesterday’s paper:

We’ve just had our second picking of strawberries. They are a bit tasteless and slug nibbled, but hey.
Richard Jones, Bristol

Obviously the publisher of Bone’s “smouldering anarchist bomb” could not possibly be involved in anything as prosaic as growing strawberries on a Bristol allotment – could he?

Surely instead this letter contains secret, coded information regarding November 3 for this country’s massed ranks of ready anarchists?

Rumour also reaches The Blogger that Bone left Bristol on Monday evening under the cover of darkness to be spirited away to a safe house in south London.

What can it all mean?

Posted in Activism, Bash the rich, Conspiracy theories, Media | Tagged , | There are no comments yet

The life and times of Michael Cocks #2

Cocks was known as a very keen but not especially skilled cricketer. He would even extend special whip’s dispensations to Labour MPs absent from votes if they were playing for the Lords and Commons team. He was once sought urgently by Jim Callaghan on another whip’s phone:

“Where’s the chief whip?”

“At the cricket ground.”

“What’s he doing?”

“He’s just gone into bat.”

“I’ll wait.”

Posted in Bristol, Hartcliffe, Labour Party, MPs, Politics, The British Left | | There are no comments yet

Banksy Balls: it's a new one!

Banksy at the BRI
Photo from Jam Factory

Prepare yourselves for some skin-crawlingly embarrassing outbursts of chattering class pant-wetting over the next few days because a new Banksy has been ‘discovered’ on Park Row.

Within hours the young ‘n’ edgy end of the local media – unable to discover anything genuinely new or original for themselves – were all over this new, although not signed, work. So you’ll be struggling to avoid overkill levels of Banksy balls in the local media over the next few days.

Already Lib Dem rubbish czar turned art critic Gary Hopkins has been wheeled out to explain to us ignoramuses what constitutes ‘art’ these days: “My own view is that it would depend on how funny they are,” he says.

So sorry there Leonardo, Turner, Cezanne and especially you Goya, I’m afraid you lot don’t make the grade any more using Gary’s new humour test for real art.

This latest Banksy discovery comes hard on the heels of Evening Cancer columnist and self-styled street art expertSuzanne “I don’t know how she does it” Saville condemning local “graffiti vandal Daniel Tyndale” who’s been recently convicted for a load of tagging offences.

Saville rages in her column in The Cancer’s Seven supplement: “His artistic abilities – and those of his fellow taggers – are at about the same level as schoolchildren’s doodlings on exercise books or pencil cases.”

Ooh, er, missus!

Hip hop expert Saville also assures us that Tyndale is one of “Bristol’s wannabe Banksys” but isn’t as good as Banksy because “[Banksy’s] work Space Girl and Bird sold for £288,000 at Bonhams a few months ago.”

Although strangely it’s Saville and her middle class dinner party set, not Bristol’s taggers, that seem obssessed with Banksy. Indeed it’s this dinner party set that seems to have decided that all graffiti must use Banksy as the benchmark and must henceforth meet standards set by middle-of-the-road know-nothing commentators like Suzannne.

Meanwhile Tyndale, the comic book villain of the piece, appears to have never mentioned Banksy and, in commom with most graf artists, probably couldn’t give two tosses about some cunt from Hoxton who sells overpriced canvasses to the gullible.

It all really looks like Saville has no idea that graffiti existed long before the Banksy bubble she’s helped create and will continue long after she’s shut up about it and moved on to the next thing to waffle about.

As for her views on art. Who gives a toss about her 19th century values where art must combine moral instruction with being an amusing trifle to entertain the ladies? What about the 20th century dadaists and surrealists who thought the main function of art was to outrage the bougeoise?

By their reckoning – and judging by Saville’s response – it’s Daniel Tyndale who’s the artist and it’s Banksy that’s just a well-paid entertainer for the benefit of the conventional middle classes.

Posted in Banksy, Bristol, Media, Middle class wankers | | There are 7 comments

The life and times of Michael Cocks #1

Michael Cocks and Blair
Cocks (centre) with a young Blair (right) and Nick Brown (left)

Vowlsie mentions former Bristol South MP from 1970 – 1987, Michael Cocks in a comment below and on his blog, which reminded me of this rather excellent story about Cocks and a – then – young MP. . .

. . . It might be useful to recount an example of particularly aggressive whipping. It comes from the former Conservative Chief Whip, Lord Renton, in his excellent book Chief Whip and it concerns an encounter between the then Labour Chief Whip, Michael Cocks and a young backbench Labour MP.

The MP was said to be thinking of rebelling, and so Cocks explained the party’s position to him. The MP—who happened to represent the constituency of Blackburn—replied that he didn’t find it a particularly convincing argument.

At this point, Michael Cocks seized Jack by the genitals, held on to them tight while Jack turned white in the face and finally released him with the comment, “Are you convinced now?”

Professor Philip Cowley, University of Nottingham

Although the story is probably apocryphal, Cocks, you’ll find, was a very different beast to New Labour’s Primarolo.

Posted in Bristol, Labour Party, MPs, Politics, The British Left | | There are 8 comments

"Fifteen minutes south" (Final cut)

Lake Shore - Urban Splash

(I think that’s enough Lake Shore gags using their pop art machine. Ed.)

Any complaints regarding the crude stereotyping of Hartcliffe and its inhabitants to the usual email address please.

(Cartoon by Evelyn Post. Evelyn Post is The Bristol Blogger’s resident cartoonist. He has a woman’s name)

Posted in Bristol, Developments, Evelyn Post, Hartcliffe | | There are no comments yet

Dumbwatch from the conference

Dim Dan?The Prawn?

Still battle is joined for the title ‘Dumbest MP in the West’.

Bristol South’s Labour MP Dawn Primarolo, now a government health minister, was at last week’s Labour Party Conference in Bournemouth again showing off the impeccable left wing principles that got her selected to the post in the first place.

During a very busy schedule Dawn, in her new health role, found time to discuss the growing problem of obesity at an event sponsored by none other than, er . . . Nestlé! The company that manufacture such obesity beating products as Kit Kat, Smarties, Aero and Milky Bar.

The company is also at the forefront of efforts to derail the “traffic light” food labeling system promoted by the FSA and has opposed efforts to limit junk food advertising aimed at kids.

Dawn also found the time to address another meeting, this time sponsored by Boots. The subject? Getting high street chemists to deliver NHS services!

Meanwhile Dawn’s colleague Dan Norris was also in Bournemouth. The Labour MP for Wansdyke kept a lower profile than Dawn but still managed to publicly gush unconditional praise upon their new foreign secretary:

“I thought David Miliband’s speech was a particular highlight because he showed the combination of ability, wisdom and common sense that the party is about.”

Unfortunately for Dan his announcement came just hours before the elder of “the brilliant Miliband brothers” was interviewed by Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight and simply couldn’t answer the straightforward questions put to him about the unfolding events in Burma.

Miliband was left mumbling something about the issues being a matter for Douglas Alexander at the department for International Development for most of the interview. Hardly an auspicious start to this “Second wave of New Labour foreign policy” then.

Which is actually a third wave anyway if you consider Robin Cook’s original efforts at an “ethical foreign policy”; then Blair’s liberal interventionism (chief policy adviser at the time one David Miliband I believe) and now this Brown/Miliband policy of carefully calibrated warm words for electoral purposes.

Whatever. It looks like Miliband is shaping up nicely to be the weakest foreign secretary since, um . . . Margaret Beckett!

Posted in Bristol, Labour Party, MPs, Politics, West Country | | There are 9 comments

“A utopia for workers and bosses alike”

Urban Splash - Lake Shore

This piece originally appeared on the Bash the Rich blog.

Fashionable Manchester-based property developers Urban Splash have recently pitched up in Bristol where they’re trying to bring their marketing-heavy gentrification plans for loft living yuppies to Hartcliffe, a working class area to the south of the city.

Their first project is the conversion of a deserted 1970s Imperial Tobacco factory on the fringes of the city into trendy loft apartments with various ‘green’ features.

Despite having built nothing as yet, Urban Splash have, however, already set about aggressively marketing and selling the apartments at prices way beyond anything locals can afford.

This expensive marketing effort is presumably for the benefit of investors rather than locals as Urban Splash’s sales pitch lacks any basic knowledge about Bristol, to say the least.

They confidently claim, for instance, that “Bristol is a city bubbling with . . . Banksy balloon festivals”! Which is partially true because Banksy is a native of Bristol and the city does have a balloon fiesta but unfortunately the two have very little to do with each other.

They also have plenty to say about the old Imperial Tobacco factory site they are converting. “It had a very 20th century use, too. A proper headquarters, brimming with confidence,” they say. “A utopia for workers and bosses alike,” they gush.

Really? A workers utopia? This might come as news to the people that worked at the site and those that recall that the factory was bought by the Hanson Trust plc in 1986.

The Hanson Trust was of course owned by Thatcher’s favourite corporate raider and asset stripper, James Hanson who, it can safely be said, created very few workers utopias during his career.

What he did do though was put plenty of workers on the dole throughout the 1980s by selling off his companies’ assets for personal gain. This is exactly what he did in Bristol too where he threw thousands on to the dole and economically depressed a whole area of the city for a generation.

The same area now nobly being “regenerated” by trendy property developers from Manchester!

Urban Splash: rewriting history in a town near you soon.

(Cartoon by Evelyn Post. Evelyn Post is The Bristol Blogger’s resident cartoonist. He has a woman’s name)

Posted in Bash the rich, Bristol, Developments, Evelyn Post, Hartcliffe | Tagged , | There is 1 comment

Competition time! Update

Thank you to BristleKRS and Shawn for having a crack at the recycling press release competition.

Although I’m sorry to have to inform you that unfortunately it wasn’t a real competition at all. It was in fact a rhetorical device to draw attention to the council’s recent citizen’s jury on waste and the fact that they appear to have decided to introduce a charge – for the first time – for the collection of extra waste, which the council’s press release then attempted to disguise.

If it is the case that waste collection charges are to be introduced then the Rubicon truly has been crossed on this issue and expect, over the next few years, further charges for waste collection – on top of your council tax – to be slyly introduced at every opportunity.

What the jury has certainly not backed are Bristol Labour Party’s election promises. On a number of leaflets they published during this year’s election they promised a return to weekly rubbish collections, to scrap charges for bulky waste collections and to introduce special arrangements for inner-city areas.

They certainly did not mention anywhere anything about charging for waste collection. Strange that.

The Blogger has now taken delivery of the draft report of the citizen’s jury. Look out for further posts on this issue throughout next week.

Unsurprisingly not one local journalist has taken The Blogger up on his offer to supply them with a copy of the draft report. We can only conclude that either:

  1. They already have a copy and we can expect an EXCLUSIVE from them early next week. This is unlikely because these reports are quite hard to come by apparently. The Blogger’s even been contacted by the Bristol’s Lib Dems asking for a copy!
  2. They don’t need a copy because they know for sure that the citizen’s jury process was 100% watertight and represents a new dawn for democracy in Bristol. What’s there to criticise?
  3. They couldn’t give a toss about original journalism or this city and will just publish whatever the council’s press release says about the citizen’s jury as fact.

But fret not comrades. The Blogger will continue to fearlessly deliver the news others seek only to suppress!

Posted in Bristol, Global warming, Labour Party, Local elections 2007, Local government | Tagged | There are 4 comments