Another day of media overkill to accompany the opening of Cabot Babylon Circus.
“So what’s it like then?” the Evening Cancer gormlessly asks on its front page.
It’s like any other fucking shopping centre you stupid dickheads. What do you expect? The Garden of Earthly Delights?
The Cancer’s increasingly ludicrous coverage of this non-event (surely you mean the most important thing to have happened in Bristol since Edward Colston cut his toenails for the last time? Ed.) has been covered in some detail over on the Evening Post Watch blog.
However the Blogger was particularly taken with today’s promotional story on page 6 – “Hooray for Harvey Nichols” – coincidentally accompanied by a full page ad for Harvey Nichols on page 7.
Here we find that the traditional style of news reporting that we have become accustomed to over the years – where we’re told about real things that have actually really happened – has been superceded by a new and innovative news reporting technique involving highly speculative, celebrity-studded guess work:
A [Harvey Nichols] spokesman said: “Within easy distance of the Cotswolds, Bath, Gloucestershire and Wales, Harvey Nichols Bristol is sure to become a destination shop for all those London fashionistas such as Kate Moss, Kate Winslet and Elizabeth Hurley, who are spending more and more time at their country retreats.”
Yeah and Carla Bruni is sure to turn up every other Friday and offer blow jobs for a tenner outside the Apple Store right?
Today’s big Cancer story then is basically a piece of nonsensical speculation about who might shop at a store in Bristol on the basis that they might own a property somewhere within an 80 mile radius of the city. Brilliant!
We also find our old pal, retail manager Sue Stones, getting in on the act again as yet more space is freely donated by the local media for her to deliver another lame Harvey Nichols’ sales pitch.
Today Sue generously shares her unique insights in to economic affairs with us:
“Credit crunches come and go but we are not here for now or for six months.
“We’ve got a 35-year lease so the people of Bristol will still come and shop with us for many years to come.”
Sue, we’re talking about a major international banking crisis here not the fucking gypsy look or the latest collection from Karl Lagerfeld.
Yes maybe these kind of crises tend to “come and go” as you put it. But about every 60 years according to the Chancellor of the Exchequer or every 79 years according to many economists who are comparing this current crisis to the Great Depression.
But what the hell would any of them know about anything compared to a glorified shop assistant in a Chloe jacket who urgently needs to sell a lot of expensive crap in her new store?