The Blogger’s Dictionary of Bristol Political Terms

by A Reader

“Bradshawing”

Basic, simplistic and ineffective political spin in which you attempt to blame the opposition for the consequences of your own policies through endless repetition. As in: “the Labour leadership are Bradshawing the Tories over public sector cuts at the moment.”

“Cookie”

The new EU designated metric unit of measurement for pomposity derived from Simon Cook, the theatrical Deputy Leader of the Lib Dems. For example: “Did you read that four Cookie column from George Ferguson in the Evening Post this weekend?”
Replaces the imperial measure “The Abraham”. There are approx 0.82 Cookies to the Abraham.

“McCarthytron™”

The bestselling mass market tool from the Labour Movement Robotics Corp. This small mechanical unit, designed to run one simple, repetitive interchangeable pre-programmed script at a time, is noted for its speedy and user-friendly reprogramming interface; for its high levels of reliability and for its sophisticated failsafe loyalty mechanism. The recent 2.0 models are fully compatible with Twitter, Blogger and most other social media formats.

“Quaifing (aka the Rees-Quaife Technique)”

Friendly, informal, unthreatening and utterly pointless style of political interviewing perfected on Ujima 98fm’s ‘Back of the envelope’ Sunday morning show now being implemented across all Bristol’s news media. Delivered in suitably deferential tones to local politicians and bigwigs – who preferably are a good friend or your boss – the technique involves pat-ball questions and the absolute avoidance of anything controversial, challenging or difficult. Can be contrasted to the “rotweiller” styles of popular and skilled political interviewers such as Paxman and John Humphrys.
For example: “Did you see that recent Quaifing of Jan Ormonroyd in Venue? Rubbish wasn’t it?”

“The Clark-Choudhury Charade Game”

A complicated, complex but nevertheless highly entertaining game of east(o)n origin often played outside polling stations and election counts.
The basic format is simple. In the preliminary stages the competitors simply jot down random numbers on pieces of paper/notebooks etc. The key stage begins when one of the participants must temporarily exit the arena leaving their papers/notebook in the care of their competitor(s).
On their return the papers/notebook will have “disappeared” and then the charades begin in earnest. Points are awarded for the most implausible denial, the most over-the-top reaction, the most unlikely threat, the intervention of law enforcement officers and/or electoral officers etc. Bonus points can also be achieved by involving non-players in the game.

Although deceptively simple, the complexity of the game becomes apparent when it is realised that each competitor plays to their own rules. However, this is counteracted by the fact that none of the competitors have any intention of playing within any rules whatsoever.

In the end, regardless of what happens during the game, the result is always the same. All competitors are shafted by being Kielyed.

“The Vision of Kent”

A politico-religious, probably hysterical, event believed to be the result of the alleged tendency of some Hartcliffe residents to grow large numbers of cannabis plants while being unfamiliar with the concept of politicians existing outside election campaigns. The phenomenon was reported in the months leading up to 4 May 2006 when some residents on the estate reported that they had seen Kent from their doorstep. Despite none of the individuals being able to repeat this miraculous sighting since the 4 May 2006, they remain insistent that this was the case.

UPDATE: Strangely enough, in the months leading up to the 3 May 2007, an even more ridiculous claim was made by some Hartcliffe residents that they had seen Holland from their doorstep. The phenomenon has been investigated by academics from Bristol University but there have been no further incidents of people claiming to be able to see either Kent or Holland from the doorsteps of Hartcliffe.

COMING SOON: The Bristol Blogger’s Glossary of Bristol City Council terms – the jargonbuster you’ve all been waiting for!