by A Reader
“The Popham Method”
A cunning encoding system designed to convert plain text into undecipherable gobbledegook. Sir Winston Churchill is quoted as saying "Bletchley Park did OK, but Enigma was child-plays really. If the Nazi's had used The Popham Method we would have been buggered" (Biography of Winston Churchill as edited by Nigel Farage).
“Jon Rogers Syndrome”
A virulent disease that afflicts individuals with an ecological leaning causing them to break out in small yellow rosettes. Largely confined to one area of the city of Bristol where it has affected up to 2,000 individuals. The World Health Organisation predicts that, although some of those infected will suffer long-term effects, many more will be cured in two years by the administration of a natural antidote based on the milk of the coconut.
A relatively little-studied effect that appears to contravene the laws of physics. It involves the creation of large amounts of noise utilising vast quantities of facts and figures to little or no effect. Often impressive and can be frightening to small children, dogs, and pizza-delivery boys. Scientists have speculated that its Northern origin may indicate a relationship with the Aurora Borealis which similarly appears very impressive but has very little effect. Latin Garulous Boresurall.
Very flat, depressed, once at the forefront of political events now increasingly sinking into obscurity. A finger in the dyke gag does not appear here as it contravenes Labour equalities policies.
Derives from “hammered” – completely beaten, driven off, humiliated.
Used to described residents of Easton. Similar to the expression “to have the wool pulled over one’s eyes” but with greater emphasis, being clsoely related to the maritime punishment of being keelhauled. Now commonly heard by Easton residents when other Bristolians find out where they are from. Example: “You’re from Easton? You guys were really kielyed weren’t you?”
Wanderer. As in “I wandered lonely as a cloud”. Admired for ability to make much of limited resources and occasionally causes upset but usually found wandering aimlessly outside any competitive arena talking about root vegetable production.
“Eddy” (Bristol version)
A local phenomenon – where elsewhere an eddy is a dynamic substance that generates activity by using reverse currents gained from fluid working past obstacles. The Bristol eddy is a non-dynamic jelly with no real substance that merely bumps ignorantly into working class obstacles with no ability to reverse current opinion without the assistance of external more labourous forces.
As in “Janke you, I’m not sure if I deserve that but I will take it anyway”. A previously obscure form of gratitude specifically used when you receive something that you personally have made little effort to obtain. For example, leadership of the council of a major British city.